


The Bitterest Taste

by battle_goats



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Angst, Clarus thinks he's an okay dad, Gen, Hanahaki Disease, He's wrong, Hurt, Some comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:41:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23078002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/battle_goats/pseuds/battle_goats
Summary: Everyone thinks Iris Amicitia's Chronic Hanahaki is because of her crush on Prince Noctis.  Everyone is wrong.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 52





	The Bitterest Taste

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by discussions in the GFXV Book Club server.

Iris was only six years old when she first showed signs of having Hanahaki Disease. The little flower petals she coughed up were too small and damaged to identify. She was still young enough that talking about her feelings was hard, and the questions the doctor asked were confusing. So she was given medicine, and directions to monitor her carefully were sent on their way with her.

The flowers never went away. 

After her little adventure around the Citadel grounds, and subsequent rescue by a prince who willingly took the blame for it, everyone assumed it was the prince who was the cause of her Hanahaki. Jared, the family butler, wasn't so sure. Everyone else seemed to forget that she was diagnosed almost a full year before she had even met the boy.

The years went by, and her symptoms never went away. They could only be managed. They called it Chronic Hanahaki, only sometimes fatal. Not that her father knew it.

Which lead them to the events of the day.

Iris couldn't look Clarus in the eye as he paced back and forth in his barely used home office.

"You are an Amicitia, expected to uphold a certain image so as to maintain the honor and integrity of this family. This," Clarus said, indicating her bright purple hair, "is not it."

Iris flinched and stared at her feet. She didn't understand why it was such a big deal. It was just hair. Not like she couldn't just cut it off and grow out her natural color again.

"Why can't you be more like your brother?" Clarus muttered, clearly not intending for her to hear it. Iris bit back a response that would only get her into worse trouble.

_ Would you finally love me if I was? _

"Do you have anything to say for yourself?" Clarus asked.

"No, sir," she said quietly.

"Fine. Leave. Go to your room."

Iris ducked her head and fled the room. She bumped into Gladio and tried not to cry at the careful look of sympathy on his face. She let him pull her into a hug before releasing her.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. Knowing that it meant little in the grand scheme of things, even if it meant the world to her.

Iris made her way down the hall then up the stairs towards where the bedrooms were located.

"Ah, Iris, a moment?" Jared called out to her. She turned to face him before rushing into his arms. He stroked her hair. "It will be alright."

Iris wished she could believe him. But, the box of dark brown hair dye he held out to her would probably help.

It wasn't until she was seated in the bathroom, on an old lily pad shaped step stool, spread out newspapers crinkling under her toes did she let herself cry. Jared calmly and quietly massaged the new pigment into her hair. Only pausing to help her through a coughing fit, and to dispose of the flower petals that came up.

* * *

Years passed, and still, nothing changed. Her diagnosis of Chronic Hanahaki remained the same. And her father still didn't notice. Instead she tested the boundaries of what she could get away with to get his attention. Because he was at least looking at her when she was being lectured. But she was tired. Tired of the coughing fits, of Clarus' constant disappointment, of having to grin and bear it.

So Iris grabbed her largest backpack, stuffed it full of clothes, put on her sturdiest boots and walked out the door. She texted Jared and Gladio that she was spending the night with a friend, and walked away from Amicitia Manor.

Hours later, Iris wasn't so sure this was a good idea. It wasn't as if she could leave the city. She wouldn't make it past a checkpoint without being found out. Staying in the city wasn't an option either. Especially because she was recognizable.

She huddled in a dark alley, on the edge of cold. She wore a hoodie, but the night was chillier than she expected.

"Iris?"

Her head snapped up when a shadow fell over her.

"Prince Noctis? What are you doing here?" she asked. She glanced around looking for a way to run off to.

"I could ask you the same thing. Does Gladio know you're out here like this?" His tone was careful, as if he could tell that something was wrong. Iris looked up at him. She couldn't lie to him.

Iris opened her mouth to speak, but instead she began to cry. Prince Noctis looked ready to panic. He stepped forward and awkwardly shrugged out of his jacket. 

"Come on, let's get out of the cold," he said. Iris went along.

* * *

Her tears had dried up by the time they were stepping into Prince Noctis' apartment. She had thought it was so cool that he had been allowed to live out and mostly live on his own. The apartment was clean, but not in the cold clinical way Amicitia manor had always felt to her.

The apartment felt lived in and loved in a way that made her feel jealous. She tried to stamp down those feelings, knowing they could trigger a coughing fit.

Noctis left her on the couch and slipped into the kitchen where he moved around making them something to drink. He returned with two mugs of hot chocolate and a bag of marshmallows. 

"Thank you," Iris said. The mug warmed her hands. Noctis sat down and opened up the bag of marshmallows. 

"Want some in your chocolate?" he asked.

"Two, please."

Two pieces of the confection were pulled from the bag and dropped into her cocoa where they bobbed at the surface. Noctis stuffed four into his.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Noctis asked her. His voice was quiet. And she could tell that she could say no if she wanted.

"I have Chronic Hanahaki," Iris said. Her voice was quiet. She was revealing a secret so few knew of, and it was frightening.

Noctis' grip on his mug tightened and there was a furrow in his brow. She wasn't sure what he was thinking at that moment, but she felt like it was safe to keep going. 

"I've had it most of my life. Since I was a little kid. Dad and Gladdy thought it was because of you I had a crush on you for a long time. They never teased me about it. But the Hanahaki didn't go away, even when I was over you. I knew it was never because of you."

"Iris, I never knew. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Like I said, I'm over it." She tried to smile. "It's Dad."

Noctis jolted. It was like a full body flinch. His cocoa sloshed around in the mug, and he set it down on the coffee table. He clenched his hands together tightly.

"He doesn't know?"

"No. At least, I hope not. I couldn't take it if he did," she said. "He spends all his time at the Citadel. He has an important job. I've always known that. But he always made time for Gladdy. Because he's going to be your Shield." She couldn't keep the bitter bite from her voice. "How did you recover?"

It hadn't been made public, but the Prince had once suffered from Hanahaki disease. At only ten years old, he had become convinced his father did not love him. He had successfully hidden his symptoms until it was nearly too late 

"It was a wake up call for Dad. I think part of him knew that every canceled dinner, every rain check. Everytime he had to say 'I'm sorry,' he hurt me. But I don't think he considered how much. He's a good man, and a king ruling in trying times. But that isn't enough when you're a kid and you just want him to give you ten uninterrupted minutes. To feel like you matter. He had to make the effort. Forcefully carved out time no one was allowed to interrupt. And over time, the more effort he put into it, the better I got."

"I've been acting out. I dyed my hair. Skipped school a couple times. Stayed out late without telling anyone. Thought about getting a lip piercing, but changed my mind. And now I tried to run away. Because yeah, I wasn't behaving, but at least he looked at me like I was there. That I'm a person who takes up space in the world. Otherwise it's like he looks right through me."

Iris wiped at her tears and sniffed at her runny nose. Noctis shifted the box of tissues on the coffee table closer to her so she could reach.

"I think it's 'cause of Mom. She died from complications with me. And I know that I look more like her than Gladdy. I think maybe he looks at me and wishes that she was still here instead."

Noctis stiffly wrapped an arm around her shoulders in an attempt at comforting her.

"I won't say it'll be okay, because I can't promise that. And I know that Gladio and Jared can't replace your dad. It's not fair to you. You're a good kid, and you deserve better. I don't know what I can do, but I'll think of something."

"Even if you can't do anything, that's okay. You're just one person."

"You can stay here for the night. I'll let Gladio know you're here." Noct stood up and took their cold cocoa to the kitchen. "I'll get some blanket for you, and you can change in the bathroom down the hall."

"Do you have to tell him?" Iris asked.

"He would probably kill me if I didn't," Noct said. Iris pouted but picked up her backpack and disappeared into the bathroom.

She hastily changed into the pajamas she had thought to pack and washed her face. The cold water relieved some of the puffiness on her eyes from crying and she felt a bit better.

Iris stepped out of the bathroom to find several blankets and pillows piled onto the couch.

"Uh, Prince Noctis?"

A door opened and he stepped out of what was likely his bedroom.

"Call me Noct," he said.

"Okay, Noct." He gave her a bright smile that had her heart racing just a little. Her crush might have died, but he was still cute.

"Get comfy on the couch, I ordered pizza and we're gonna binge watch the Justice Monsters anime," he said. "There's no school tomorrow and no Iggy to tell me to go to bed."

Iris laughed at his declaration and proceeded to roll herself into a burrito with one of the blankets. Noct started up the first episode while they waited for their pizza.

Once it arrived, they demolished the entire thing with little fanfare. Pizza was a rarity in the Amicitia household, so Iris was determined to enjoy it all.

She hated thinking it, but this one evening, sitting in Noct's apartment, she felt more at home and comfortable than she ever had in the home she.grew up in.

* * *

Iris awoke to the smell of bacon and pancakes. She opened her eyes to find that sometime in the night, she and Noct had ended up sprawled across the couch in opposite directions. Their legs were tangled together. The prince was snoring as he cuddled a pillow.

"Good morning."

Iris looked around to see Ignis standing in the kitchen, an apron on, and a spatula in hand.

"Imagine my surprise to find Noct had a guest. Does your father know you're here?" he asked.

"Um, probably not. But Gladdy does," Iris said quickly. Ignis hummed and returned his attention to the stove.

"I won't ask what brought you here. It's not particularly my business. So long as you are fine, and are not hiding from trouble, I won't inform your father of your whereabouts."

"Thanks." Iris untangled herself from the blankets and joined Ignis in the kitchen.

"If you'd like some, there's coffee," Ignis offered as he pointed out the carafe.

"Not much of a coffee girl. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"If you could scramble six eggs for me, that would be delightful."

"Sure thing."

Under Ignis' guidance, Iris located a mixing bowl and whisk before fetching the eggs from the fridge. He glanced over at the bowl when she was done.

"Excellent. The pancakes are nearly all done, and I can cook the eggs. Please set the table for me."

Noct woke up as everything was being moved to the table.

"Morning Specs, morning Iris," he mumbled.

"Good morning. You've no official business this today, so you may spend it however you please," Ignis said. Noct piled his plate with pancakes and bacon and a scoop of eggs.

Iris took a more modest serving, though some would consider it large for a girl her size.

"Actually, can we go up to the Citadel. I've got something I wanna take care of," Noct said.

"Of course. I can drop you off at home on the way, if you'd like," Ignis suggested to Iris. She opened her mouth to answer when Noct interrupted.

"I was hoping you'd come with me, if you wanted," he said.

"Oh! Um, okay."

The trio ate quietly. Iris was curious as to what Noct had planned and why he wanted her there. Curious enough to go along with it to find out.

* * *

They skipped the public parts of the Citadel and headed straight for the elevators that would take them to the secured areas.

"Do you know if Lord Amicitia is in a meeting right now?" Noct asked. Iris looked at him sharply while Ignis blinked.

"I believe he has a meeting with His Majesty at this time," Ignis answered. Noct nodded and took a deep breath. When he exhaled his shoulders squared and he stood up straighter. Suddenly, he looked so much more different then the teenage boy Iris had spent the last several hours with. She felt like she was properly seeing him as a prince.

The elevator dinged and opened up. They stepped out and Noct led the way down the hall. Iris had never been to this part of the Citadel before. They came to an office door and Noct stepped inside without hesitation.

"Ignis, please wait here."

"Of course, Your Highness."

It seemed Ignis had noticed the shift in Noct's demeanor as well. The woman sitting at the desk had looked up at their entrance and she hastily stood to bow.

"Good morning Your Highness. I'm afraid His Majesty is in a meeting with Lord Amicitia and is not to be disturbed."

Iris shifted uncomfortably. She wished Noct had told her his plan. But she knew if he had, she would have refused to go along with it. She wasn't prepared for a confrontation with her father right now. Least of all in front of the king.

"This can't wait. I will bear the responsibility of interrupting."

Noct stepped forward and opened the heavy oak doors.

Iris took a deep breath and steeled herself for the confrontation ahead.

"Noctis? What is it?"

The fact that the king didn't immediately kick them out seemed to be a good thing.

The door shut behind them, and Iris bowed to her king.

"Morning Dad. I didn't want to interrupt, but this can't wait. Iris and I need to speak to Clarus."

The king seemed confused by the declaration. He glanced between the two teens, and Clarus before nodding.

Noct turned to Iris and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"I can't do this," she whispered.

"Yes, you can. You shouldn't have to live like this. It's not fair to you. I'll be right here."

"Okay," Iris said. She nodded and looked up at the sincere expression on his face. "Okay."

She bravely stepped out from behind Noct and faced her father. 

"What is the meaning of this?" he asked. Iris bit down the urge to flinch.

"Did you know I have Chronic Hanahaki?" she asked. Clarus was taken aback by the question.

"I was under the impression your childhood fancies of His Highness had faded."

"It was never about Noct, Dad. I was diagnosed before we'd even met. Everyone conveniently forgot that little fact."

"Then what could have possibly caused it?"

Iris took a second to breath. What she said next could make or break what little relationship they had left.

"It's you."

"That's preposterous! How could you ever doubt that I care about you?"

"When was the last time we did anything together? When was the last time you sat down and asked me 'how was your day, Iris?' When was the last time you said my name to my face? Because I know you avoid it. I can't even remember it anymore. You can't name a single one of my friends. You don't even know what my extracurriculars are. You haven't given me a hug in so long that when I think about hugs, my first thought is Jared!"

"You've done nothing but act out and behave in a way that is far below your station," Clarus said.

"Because you don't see me when you look at me otherwise! I don't exist to you unless I'm doing something that could make you look bad."

Iris could feel a cough building in her throat. She fought it down until it was nothing more than unpleasant nausea in her stomach.

"I'm not Gladio. I'll never be him. I'm not your perfect, first born son. I will never be a Shield. Instead I'm competing with the ghost of my own mother and a brother who can't do anything to help me."

She took a deep breath to keep going, but choked on a cough instead. That seemed to release the floodgates. Her coughs were deep, and caused her to double over. Iris tried to cover her mouth with a hand, but the effort caused her to collapse to her knees.

"Iris!" There were hands on her shoulders, and the contact helped ground her. She felt something dislodge in her chest and come up. Iris spat it out to reveal a fully bloomed flower covered in blood.

"Oh no," she whispered.

For years she had only ever coughed up petals, mangled and torn. Never an entire flower before. It meant the Hanahaki was progressing. The ongoing confrontation had likely triggered it. She was helped to her feet while she continued to stare at the flower. 

"A cyclamen?" Clarus reached out as if to touch it, but Iris jerked away from him.

"No! No, you don't get to do this. Not now. Not when Gladio and Jared have been trying to get you to see sense for years. It's too late. I've had it for so long that these flowers will never die now."

Clarus looked pained where he stood. Noct was still supporting her. An arm around her back, and gripping her shoulder gently.

"This will not kill me. I won't let it. But it's too late for you to make amends."

Iris didn't know where all this was coming from. For so long, all she had wanted was for Clarus to finally love her as equally as he loved Gladio. But something broke in her. Whether it was because of her conversation with Noct. The fact that he had shown more care for her in less than twenty-four hours compared to the thirteen years Clarus had had. She looked back down at the bloody cyclamen in her hand. A flower that symbolized resignation. That's what this was. She was resigned to the knowledge that her own father did not love her.

She could live with that.

There were others who could help fill that hole in her heart. She clenched her first, crushing the flower in her grip.

"I'd like to go home now, Your Highness," she said.

"Yeah, okay. Let's get you home."

Without a word to the two stunned men in the room, the pair walked out. Iris couldn't even be bothered that she had failed to take her leave from the king.

* * *

Iris didn't cough up a single full cyclamen again. Only bits and pieces of petals. And when Insomnia fell, and the knowledge that her father had died performing his duty to his king, she was saddened, but not more than someone would have expected. Gladio and Noct were the only two who truly understood her position, and they didn't begrudge her lack of mourning. She had simply moved on with her life. The lack of Clarus' presence in Amicitia Manor had helped. The minimal contact made it easier for her not to dwell in those final two years.

And with his death, she was finally free of the cage the cyclamen had wrapped around her lungs and heart.


End file.
